The nine days retreat was a profound experience. I had a really good time. The
main theme was explorations of anatta but there were beautiful openings in
samadhi, and interestingly without intentionally choosing so, the last two days
were very imaginal.

I – Anatta:

I started by visiting each aggregate relaxing both identification and
appropriation. When the experience did not relax or fade, I used analytical
reasonings to incline the citta towards a fully sustained anatta view
(impermanent, not in my full control, just a perception, fabricated because
dependent on clinging).

In the past, I had focused mostly on identification (not self) and you invited
me last summer to investigate appropriation (not mine) in more depth. Relaxing
appropriation worked particularly well for objects that were felt as external
(sights and sounds) because the citta seems to reify them more as belonging to
the self than as part of the self. The dukkha associated with appropriation
could be felt and released. Particularly when contemplating nature with eye and
ear, freeing a percept from the self increased its beauty and vibrance. Also
looking at my loved ones through the lens of anatta brought a strong sense of
freedom and love. I also started practicing in a receptive mode: in each
arising perception, the object can be seen as not mine, subject as not self, and
the action (such as seeing) as not mine. Seeing intentions, actions, and
movements of the attention as not self was also incredibly beautiful and
freeing. The interaction between anatta, clinging and the fading of perception
was clear on every aggregate and sense sphere.

A very significant discovery was seeing clearly that when anatta is applied
on seeing, hearing, feeling, then the sense of the watcher in each sense sphere
dissolves and at the end this unfolds in a way of looking where there is no
center: vastness of awareness. Vastness of awareness had opened in previous
retreats and it had become my main practice in previous years. But my
understanding of the state was incomplete and I could not go further. That’s
where you started working with me on one on one. Because vastness had opened,
my understanding of anatta came mostly from vastness of awareness (just a
perception) and not the other way around. Making the trip the other way from
anatta to vastness of awareness step by step and working on each sense sphere,
increased my understanding of the state, why it does open, and why the
background feels as conscience. I understand what has to be removed from the
“usual” selfing state to go to vastness of awareness; and that is a sense of a
center / discrete watcher in all sense spheres. I’m very happy because my
understanding of both anatta and vastness of awareness are much more precise and
I can clearly discriminate and identify their particularities.

This paved the way to a second important insight: before I was reifying
consciousness as something containing experience. By seeing how vastness of
awareness could be arrived at by dissolving the sense of the observer; and
seeing the background as “just another perception”; I realized I was fabricating
a big idea about consciousness which was not there. It became possible to
contemplate consciousness as just the knowing of a perception and the knowing
of knowing. Then the citta intuitively understood the co-arising between
perception and consciousness: one cannot exist without the other.

This brought a lot of freedom and much understanding: it clarified the
aggregates of perception and consciousness which were still a bit unclear for
me; it allowed to see consciousness as “just knowing” which made it less solid.
One interesting side effect is that it removed my fear of the anicca practice.
Before, I was afraid of anicca practice and tended to avoid it: in particular
fast anicca where everything becomes vibratory and there are gaps in experience.
Realizing the inseparability of consciousness and perception made anicca
perfectly ok; there was no « big consciousness » that was going to be destroyed
in the gaps. It allowed a beautiful way of looking where
consciousness/world/self is born and dies hundreds of times a second at every
arising and passing away. Rob warns in his book that this view is provisional
because it reifies time, yet it felt very profound and beautiful. As a result,
the fear of anhilation in anicca practice is gone and fear of death seems also
weakened: nothing mine will be lost and I’m already dying all the time. After
this view arose, I felt fearlessly equanimous.

II – Samadhi:

I used peace, joy and less fabrication as a guiding compass for correct
practice. So whenever, the citta became attached or agitated, I practiced
samadhi sometimes introducing a flavor or intention of metta. Because it was
seen as a side practice, there was no pressure to perform. This
allowed the samadhi to flower beautifully. During the retreat, I could revisit
jhanas one and two which I know well and can reenter by recalling their felt
sense. Jhana three is also accessible sometimes, I should spend more time to
familiarize myself with it. There were some experimentations in entering first
jhana through other sense doors; in particular sounds (fun) or sight (much much
powerful for me than body jhana, but did not pursue it because I became
over-energized and manic for the next walking period). Mostly I practiced with
the breath and the body. I understand better now the movement of rest and
relaxation that can be found in the jhanas; how each one is more subtle and more
calming for the citta. In the middle of the retreat, it became clear that the citta
aspired to more and more calm states, and both vipassana and samadhi were leading there
and seen as a movement towards rest.

Sometimes during samadhi, I used anatta to relax and unbind objects that were
perceived as dukkha. At some point this opened a new state, much much much more
restful than previous jhanas. This was new to me, there was a sense of “WOW”. It
opened after I had dissolved the sense spheres and had let go the remanents of
the sense of the body, I had to let go deeply of control; the state was not
“perfect” (some of the sense spheres were not completely faded) but it was a
profound experience. After checking Rob’s book, it could be the fifth jhana. I
just stayed a few moments and got out into another jhana which I could not
identify well (maybe four ? there was a sense of perfect neutrality). The after
effect during the next walking period was one of perfection: everything seemed
crystal clear and perfect as it was.

III – Images:

This report is too clinical to do justice to the imaginal play of shadows that
happened in the last two days. I think after much shunyata, so much
unbinding, the citta wanted to bind. There was a balancing movement towards form.
I will only speak of one of the images which visited me, it’s a familiar image,
primal, it smells of earth and blood, a powerful lion that comes from times
before the words were spoken. This time it arose from deep down the belly,
roaring, taking control of my mouth and biting through me. With it came a demand
for expression, creation, and strong sexual desires.
I did not feel respectful to the image to repress the sexual desires in classic
“Theravada” fashion, yet I was still in retreat under nine precepts. Because
the anatta way of looking was powerful, I just gave full autonomy to the image:
not me, not mine. In particular, the sexual desires could be both accepted and
seen as not mine. This was powerful because the desire/image “resolved” itself
imaginally, it played its act, manifested its essence, and then unbinded.
During the explorations with the sense of appropriation, I sometimes played
around switching the sense of object and subject (which is a fun experiment).
During the retreat I understood that we can do the same with images:

either we see the image as ours; I have such familiar
images that arise sometimes and that I see as a part of my psyche.
either we see the image as not ours, fully autonomous, which can lead to what
happened above.
a third possibility which feels powerful and I want to try, giving ourselves
to the image. Because self is fabricated we can see ourselves as belonging to the image.

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