Kim L

My name is Kim I am a 35 year old man from the Netherlands. I started my dhamma practice about 8 years ago during a very difficult relationship as a means to cope and later as a means to deal with trauma. My more intensive practice started with The Mind Illuminated by Culadasa. I derived great benefit from this and could eventually get into first jhana relatively easily. But off the cushion only the coarser variety of unwholesome thought would really be noticed by me as such and dealt with. Practicing according to Dhammarato’s instructions really changed that. More on that later. I also did a bunch of other practices including Tibetan meditations presented by Reggie Ray of dharma ocean. I eventually went on a month long retreat at his retreat center in Colorado after which I collapsed with a chronic health condition I have been dealing with ever since. The root cause of the condition is what they call “kundalini awakening” which I find a rather vague mystical term for a condition that is understood somewhat poorly and can take a variety of forms and also differ wildly in intensity. For me it started about 1.5 years earlier when I really ramped up my meditation practice. I had heavy ongoing kriyas in practice and later off the cushion also experienced continuous purifications and energetic symptoms. Instead of properly pacing I my achiever personality part pushed through with practice. I was already exhausted and suffering PTSD so this whole situation culminated in a heavy burnout. Adrenal exhaustion and becoming bedridden. Meanwhile the “kundalini” energetic phenomena continued unabated whether I meditated or not. Traumatized parts of my personality where so overwhelmed by all this that they went into a perpetual state of “freeze” mode and dissociation and my nervous system started heavily blocking the flow of kundalini energy that was trying to force purification. This lead to extreme physical symptoms and extreme fatigue. And a repeating cycle of crashes and recoveries that where very taxing and caused further deepening of PTSD. It took about 3 years before I found the tools to get out of that state. But not out of bed. Because once my nervous system was out of that “freeze” mode the kundalini purification process started really ramping up. Kriyas (involuntary muscle contractions vocalizing inner heat trembling. Then more intense whole body continuous all day and night vibrations - my entire body feels like a tuning fork or like I’m laying on one of those vibration machines at the gym - and lots of inner heat. And that is where I still am at: 3.5 years later. Still bedridden (about 6.5 years total now). Still going through that endless purification process. In my dreams I see some of what is being processed. The depth of emotional residue that is taken in from all our relationships is enormous. At least when we do not practice the dhamma rigorously. It is really like a swamp. About a month ago I found out that at least 1 other person has experienced pretty much exactly the same kind of “kundalini” process as I am undergoing. Gopi Krishna. Who was in bed for many years as well and wrote a few books about it. The process and its stages as I experience it is pretty much completely the same as the one Gopi underwent down to more detailed patterns; given this I think I can gauge that I will be recovering in about 2 years or so but if it’s longer I am okay with it too. About a year and a few months ago I found Dhammarato. I heard about him before many years ago from my time posting on /r/streamentry on Reddit but this was before he had his YouTube channel. So I started watching and got hooked on the noble dhamma. I have been watching his videos very regularly and practice the noble dhamma now which has been an absolute blessing. I have yet to have a talk with Dhammarato himself. I would like to but I’m usually too tired to have conversations lasting more than say: 10 minutes. So that would have to wait. That said I think I get more than enough from áll the available talks and occasionally chatting with people in the discord sangha group. This process and illness have given me the opportunity to work deeply with various personality parts. Not just via the dhamma but also a number of effective therapeutic tools I have adopted over the years. For which I am very grateful. My psyche functions much more harmoniously and has become quite flexible. Though the work is still ongoing. There was a quote from Zen Mind Beginners Mind: “‘when I was young I was like a tiger. But now I am like a cat.’ He was very pleased to be like a cat”. Because my symptoms are still quite intense and my nervous system is often in a very excitatory state due to the energetic process I still find myself distracting myself with my phone a lot. I make sure I keep mindfulness strong while doing so and toss out unwholesome thoughts and reactions as they arise and gladden the mind. But I am allowing myself this mode of distraction for now. Besides Dhammarato instructions and a few therapeutic tools I also utilize some somatic and Vajrayana meditation protocols. To deal with energetic blockages in my system and because non dual meditation like mahamudra can bring about a very effortless state of sukha and really turn the volume down on the mind which can be nice when energy is very limited.