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These Kind of Dhamma Dudes Could Illuminate the Mossy Alder Tree Wood
These Kind of Dhamma Dudes Could Illuminate the Mossy Alder Tree Wood I saw the most fear I had ever seen during my first time in the woods which I had decided to do on my own for two weeks in the wilderness of Olympic National Forest happened when I walked back to camp in the complete blanket of darkness of the forest at night. And I was not alone that night. Prior to and at the beginning of this retreat in the woods, I had one fear that visited the mind from time to time, bears. A large vicious animal that might visit me in the dark of the night and see my tent as a meat filled burrito. Bear spray at every REI in Olympic? Sold out. It did not help that the first night had to be spent at a completely random spot off a main road because the path to my campsite had turned into a dead end. Everything about every horror movie I had ever seen about making a wrong turn flooded to my gut when I realized we would have to set up camp at an adjacent patch of land surrounded by the woods off the road leading to that dead end. It is hilarious now to recall the fantasies I had dreamt up about what could be out there in the dark of the woods. What might be behind the sheet of trees that surrounded us as night fell and all visibility was lost. “Us”, being my friend from the Sangha, Erik who had so generously offered to take me all the way from the Seattle, WA airport to my campsite in Olympic. I Skype called my other friend in the Dhamma, Dhammarato and expressed my concerns. He reminded me once again, that I would be better off actually listening to what was going on in the woods, rather than coming up with fantasies about what might be happening in the woods. I took this advice and instead of listening followed by talking myself into being afraid of what may or may not be out in the woods, I did what he said our ancestors did when they lived in the wilderness. I just listened. I went from: “oh no there might be bears out there” *hearing leaves crunching in the woods* – “oh no, is that a bear approaching?!” To: *listening* *hearing leaves crunching in the woods* *listening some more* hearing more crunching of leaves* *listening some more again* *crunching stops* *deep sigh of relief* And boy was I glad to have learned to listen instead of becoming afraid because the next day when we found my camp spot, I would truly be all on my own so I had better been able to handle at least the first night with my friend Erik present. Using my senses instead of talking myself into fear was a much welcomed skill. Erik was truly skilled in all things outdoors and seemingly fearless, which he demonstrated time and time again. He and Dhammarato even assured me that all of the noise I had heard in the woods came from small animals, or things falling, etc. If it were a large animal, we would KNOW for sure that it was a large animal. It could not be mistaken. The following day I did find my campsite and I did manage to successfully spend the night in the woods all on my own. Waking up feeling victorious to have made it through the night without the same fear I had the night prior. What an absolute success. I sat outside of my tent, relaxing, and all of a sudden I hear some more crunching of leaves. “Listen” I thought, “keep listening” I continued to think. And unlike the night before, the crunching did not stop…the crunching actually got louder, eventually it was clear, just as Erik had pointing out the night before, these thuds were NOT the thuds of a small animal….and from behind the bushes it emerged!….ERIK! This time holding a tarp in one arm and blanket in the other. I was elated and shouted with great enthusiastic joy both for seeing my friend and being relieved that it was a human that emerged from those bushes. I told him that I knew it was no small animal approaching, but I absolutely was not expecting him to come back. His return was a gift well received! Although I felt victorious for having successfully done one night on my own, I felt a great deal of relief that my friend in the Dhamma would at lease remain nearby. Erik and I would go on to spend the next two weeks together exploring and investigating our own minds and the woods. Erik had recommended we go for exploring more of the nearby trails and I agreed. All was well as we trekked through the beautiful forest, joyfully discussing the dhamma, thinking about the dhamma, breathing well, and taking brief breaks to sit and ensure the mind was fit for work. Eventually we started to gain some elevation. This was my first time ever in any kind of forest, I was totally new to this. The path opens up and we look around to find that the path we are on continues as a very narrow, two foot wide cliff. We were basically on the side of a mountain looking at a long drop down into a river. This time, a kind of fear I did not even know I had came over me and rushed to my gut. I managed to make it a little further crouching and hugging the wall. Pleading out of fear that we turn around, this was too much. All of the strength in my legs were gone. Erik, fearless as ever, encouraged me to continue on, and assured me that I could do this. I did not think it was possible but the path got even more sketchy as we approached a […]
Buddhadasa
“Vedanā Is Something Important In Buddhism Even when ‘vedanā’ is not being spoken of in the context of ‘satipatthāna’ or foundation of mindfulness, generally speaking it is nevertheless an important matter in the Buddhist religion, for, actually it is one of the various matters that form the heart of the religion, because all the mental defilements, cravings, attachment (upādāna) and suffering all come from ‘vedanā’ or feelings. Happy feeling or ‘sukha-vedanā’ leads to one kind of defilement (kilesa) while unhappy feeling (dukkha-vedanā) leads to another kind of mental defilement. Mental defilement is a kind of craving and craving leads to the rise of the tendency to feel or to get attached to things and phenomena, and that in turn leads to suffering. Thus, ‘vedanā’ is a big issue and it is initially the igniting point of craving. It is the second of the Four Noble Truths—the ‘Samudaya’ or the origin of suffering. If you wish to know how craving arises, learn about ‘vedanā’ and you will come to know it well that ‘sukha-vedanā’ brings about one kind of mental defilement (kilesa or craving) while ‘dukha-vedanā’ causes another kind of craving. Do take some interest in this matter.” —Ajahn Buddhadasa Bhikku Views: 56
The nine days retreat
The nine days retreat was a profound experience. I had a really good time. The main theme was explorations of anatta but there were beautiful openings in samadhi, and interestingly without intentionally choosing so, the last two days were very imaginal. I – Anatta: I started by visiting each aggregate relaxing both identification and appropriation. When the experience did not relax or fade, I used analytical reasonings to incline the citta towards a fully sustained anatta view (impermanent, not in my full control, just a perception, fabricated because dependent on clinging). In the past, I had focused mostly on identification (not self) and you invited me last summer to investigate appropriation (not mine) in more depth. Relaxing appropriation worked particularly well for objects that were felt as external (sights and sounds) because the citta seems to reify them more as belonging to the self than as part of the self. The dukkha associated with appropriation could be felt and released. Particularly when contemplating nature with eye and ear, freeing a percept from the self increased its beauty and vibrance. Also looking at my loved ones through the lens of anatta brought a strong sense of freedom and love. I also started practicing in a receptive mode: in each arising perception, the object can be seen as not mine, subject as not self, and the action (such as seeing) as not mine. Seeing intentions, actions, and movements of the attention as not self was also incredibly beautiful and freeing. The interaction between anatta, clinging and the fading of perception was clear on every aggregate and sense sphere. A very significant discovery was seeing clearly that when anatta is applied on seeing, hearing, feeling, then the sense of the watcher in each sense sphere dissolves and at the end this unfolds in a way of looking where there is no center: vastness of awareness. Vastness of awareness had opened in previous retreats and it had become my main practice in previous years. But my understanding of the state was incomplete and I could not go further. That’s where you started working with me on one on one. Because vastness had opened, my understanding of anatta came mostly from vastness of awareness (just a perception) and not the other way around. Making the trip the other way from anatta to vastness of awareness step by step and working on each sense sphere, increased my understanding of the state, why it does open, and why the background feels as conscience. I understand what has to be removed from the “usual” selfing state to go to vastness of awareness; and that is a sense of a center / discrete watcher in all sense spheres. I’m very happy because my understanding of both anatta and vastness of awareness are much more precise and I can clearly discriminate and identify their particularities. This paved the way to a second important insight: before I was reifying consciousness as something containing experience. By seeing how vastness of awareness could be arrived at by dissolving the sense of the observer; and seeing the background as “just another perception”; I realized I was fabricating a big idea about consciousness which was not there. It became possible to contemplate consciousness as just the knowing of a perception and the knowing of knowing. Then the citta intuitively understood the co-arising between perception and consciousness: one cannot exist without the other. This brought a lot of freedom and much understanding: it clarified the aggregates of perception and consciousness which were still a bit unclear for me; it allowed to see consciousness as “just knowing” which made it less solid. One interesting side effect is that it removed my fear of the anicca practice. Before, I was afraid of anicca practice and tended to avoid it: in particular fast anicca where everything becomes vibratory and there are gaps in experience. Realizing the inseparability of consciousness and perception made anicca perfectly ok; there was no « big consciousness » that was going to be destroyed in the gaps. It allowed a beautiful way of looking where consciousness/world/self is born and dies hundreds of times a second at every arising and passing away. Rob warns in his book that this view is provisional because it reifies time, yet it felt very profound and beautiful. As a result, the fear of anhilation in anicca practice is gone and fear of death seems also weakened: nothing mine will be lost and I’m already dying all the time. After this view arose, I felt fearlessly equanimous. II – Samadhi: I used peace, joy and less fabrication as a guiding compass for correct practice. So whenever, the citta became attached or agitated, I practiced samadhi sometimes introducing a flavor or intention of metta. Because it was seen as a side practice, there was no pressure to perform. This allowed the samadhi to flower beautifully. During the retreat, I could revisit jhanas one and two which I know well and can reenter by recalling their felt sense. Jhana three is also accessible sometimes, I should spend more time to familiarize myself with it. There were some experimentations in entering first jhana through other sense doors; in particular sounds (fun) or sight (much much powerful for me than body jhana, but did not pursue it because I became over-energized and manic for the next walking period). Mostly I practiced with the breath and the body. I understand better now the movement of rest and relaxation that can be found in the jhanas; how each one is more subtle and more calming for the citta. In the middle of the retreat, it became clear that the citta aspired to more and more calm states, and both vipassana and samadhi were leading there and seen as a movement towards rest. Sometimes during samadhi, I used anatta to relax and unbind objects that were perceived as dukkha. At some point this opened a new state, much much much more restful than previous jhanas. This was […]
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